Monday Morning Movie Reviews: Halloween II

Horror movies are like Taco Bell, it's the same 5 ingredients combined in a different order, and sold as something new and improved. Most of the time you know what you're getting in to, and you usually have diarrhea afterwords. Plus, it provides an outlet for the cottage industry of bands whose members all wear masks, or capes, or both. Generally I would go off about how the remakes of movies are killing the creativity in Hollywood, but as I think about the fart I just let longer than I think about the Rob Zombie movie I just saw, I'd say my energy would be better spent elsewhere. Like thinking about the fart I just let. Man, that was the time of my life...

Monday Morning Movie Reviews: Star Trek

It's a pretty decent movie, but I almost got my ass kicked (in written form on blogs of course) by the nerds in the theater, because I kept making Star Wars references throughout the movie. I suggest you try it. Here's some examples:

"Pfft. The Death Star did it way better."
"What is that guy supposed to be, a Thug Ewok?"
"How many parsecs did it take Kirk to do the Kessel Run?"

You really only need the first one, and if repeated enough, someone will eventually get mad enough to update their Facebook Status to: "Pissed." B+.

Monday Morning Movie Reviews: Watchmen UPDATE!!

Hey, have you heard about this movie? No? Is your name Helen Keller? It is?! Has your corpse been reanimated, and locked in a windowless room for the last year or so? It HAS?!! Well, as an abomination beyond comprehension whose very existence is an affront to God and heaven above, you'll probably enjoy the special effects. As a woman, you'll enjoy the proliferation of blue wieners. As a blind, deaf-mute, who can only read in braille, the attention to detail that the filmmakers put in to translating the comic to screen will probably be lost on you. As the person who gave you the sweet breath of life again, only to imprison you in a root cellar, I just want to say, you smell like eggs. C+.

UPDATE:
After seeing the credit sequence again, I've decided to upgrade this to a B. These have to be the best background building/mood setter titles since Se7en.

Monday Morning Movie Reviews: Oscar Odds Edition!

Oscar Nominations come out on Thursday, January 22nd, and since I'm as much a fan of the, "Female Super Bowl" as any one, I like to see who made the cut and who did not. Going off the Golden Globe winners, I've begun watching my screeners that are sent to my mailbox* by studio executives** who value my opinion as a voice of the people when it comes to movie reviews***. Sure my votes don't count, but if you have an "Office Oscar Odds" pool, here's a great way to take some money off those bastards in Accounts Receivable.

Slumdog Millionaire


This will probably win Best Picture, if for no other reason than people probably want to clean their palette after No Country For Old Men. Sometimes that much awesomeness leaves a bitter aftertaste and people need to wash it down with some feel-good, destiny sorbet. Personally, this did about as much for me as one of those, "Hang in There!" posters, I could see how it would win over the masses. Stupid Obama, restoring faith in humanity.

Odds of winning: Even

Frost/Nixon

A shoo in for the "most interviewy" category. This is like 60 minutes, at half-speed. Another great movie to have in your back pocket for games of "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon". You can be all, like, "...and The Game was in Street Kings with Keanu Reeves, who was in Sweet November with Frank Langella, who was in Frost/Nixon with Kevin Bacon! Boo Ya! Wait, where are you going? You don't want to have sex with me now? Why not?" Odds of winning 10:1

The Wrestler

Compared to Darren Arronofsky's other movies, this was like a dance around the maypole. Mickey Rourke does kill in this, and if he doesn't get a best actor nod, I will be pissed. Like, mad enough to say, "He shoulda got nominated!" out loud, to no one in particular. If there's a category for, "Nudity in place of Acting" category Marisa Tomei is a lock. Odds of Winning: 15:1

Gran Torino

I wasn't going to include this one, but I keep hearing that this is a, "Dark Horse" in the Oscar race. I don't know what a, "Dark Horse" is, but thanks to this movie I now know that, "zipper head", "gook", "fish face" and, "nip" are all insults to Asians, so I assume it's racial in some way. I also award the Best Actor award to the car in this movie, because everyone else was gawd awful. Except for you, Clint. You're a B2DAHB MF'er. Odds of Winning: 25:1

*Apple TV
**The Internet
***Just kidding, I saw all these in the theaters. But, I snuck in. Actually, I jumped from theater to theater after buying a ticket for, "Hotel For Dogs". That's a lie too. It was "Paul Blart: Mall Cop".

Monday Morning Movie Reviews: Ski School 2

This is a genre that needs to be revived. The "Ski Bum Sex Romp" is an entertainment gold mine, and if Hollywood can churn out as many Matthew McConaughey as they are, they can surely go back and explore the antics of three buddies looking to get some trim in Whistler and maybe racing the douche-y jocks down Devils Peak at the end. A+.

Monday Morning Movie Reviews: The Day The Earth Stood Still

Sorry, but the only Kathy Bates/Keanu Reeves remake I'm interested in is one where Bates is breaking Keanu's ankles over a block of wood with a sledgehammer. D+.

Monday Morning Movie Reviews: Punisher War Zone

More like,"Punisher: BORE Zone"! Bwahahahaha! No, seriously, though, it sucks. D.

Monday Morning Movie Reviews: Rocknrolla

Guy Ritchie is back to the genre he does best!* If you thought the briefcase from Pulp Fiction was annoying, wait till you see this painting! You've GOT to see the last 20 minutes of this movie!**Spoiler Alert! This movie has a sequel, hopefully next time he'll make more than 4 out of the 55 characters in it interesting. C+.


*Movies that don't have Madonna, or are called, "Revolver".
**Because the first 100 are not that great.

Monday Morning Movie Reviews: W.

People expect this to be a scathing expose of George W. Bush's life, but Oliver Stone completely pusses out. He glosses over completely the time W. found two million dollars when he stumbled upon a drug deal gone awry and spent the next two weeks dodging a hitman who kills people with a pneumatic cattle gun. That's the stuff that a movie's made of. C.

Monday Morning Movie Reviews: Body of Lies

Director: "This is an extremely powerful thriller that is multi-layered, complex, and involves a lot of screaming in to cell phones. What was that one movie that had the same shit?

Assistant: "Uh...The Departed?"

Director: "That's the one. Get me somebody from that. Also, I was thinking about putting a lot of grainy, quick cut, footage in to this film, along with 30 or 40 "satellite" type shots. What do you think?"

Assistant: "You're a visionary, sir. What about a scene shot in a crowded, Middle Eastern bazaar?"

Director: "You fucking hack, get out of my sight."

Second Assistant: "Should I start scouting locations for the crowded bazaar scene?"

Director: "Yes."

C.

Monday Morning Movie Reviews: Helvetica.

A good documentary is one that is able to take a subject that most people would find about as exciting as watching paint dry and show you something fascinating. I'm not a designer. I can however appreciate the nerdery that takes place here. If you have the slightest interest in design, in craftsmanship, in passion, or in Euro-Nerds, this movie will captivate you. B+.

Monday Morning Movie Reviews: My Best Friend's Girl.

Alien Vs. Predator, Transformers, My Best Friend's Girl, all movies that sound so amazing in theory, but somehow miss the mark in execution. I mean, how could you possibly screw up a movie with Dane Cook AND Jason Biggs!? C'mon Hollywood, it's like you're not even trying. D-.

Monday Morning Movie Reviews: Burn After Reading

An epic experiment in to how much nonsense an audience will take before they demand somebody get their head blown off, or bludgeoned with a hatchet. Apparently, it's 65 minutes and 92 minutes, respectively. B.

Monday Morning Movie (P)Reviews: The Next Couple Of Months

Since taking on my new title of, "Babydaddy" I haven't gotten out to the theater as much as I'm used to. But from what I can tell, outside of Tropic Thunder, I haven't really missed that much. I must say though, looking in to the next few months of releases, there couldn't be a better time for me to take a sabbatical from cinema. For those of you who may have blown through your Economic Stimulus Check already, here's a helping hand in saving you $20 a week for the next 2 months. Put it towards your HELOC for Christ's sake.

Disaster Movie: Opening a "comedy" about disasters on the anniversary of Hurricane Katrina? Savvy. Maybe next year you can do an Airplane! remake on 9/11. Box office gold!

Babylon A.D.: More like Babylon (Straight to) D.V.D. Zing!

Bangkok Dangerous: Nick Cage Hair Watch, Defcon 5. Retreat to shelter immediately, keep suicide pill handy.

Righteous Kill: Pacino! Di Nero! 50 Cent! From the director of "Fried Green Tomatoes"! When I think about this I get the same feeling as when I think about a claw hammer getting brought up swiftly in to the soft, under part of a jaw.

Lakeview Terrace: Terrorized by a black neighbor!! The nightmare scenario we've all dreamed of comes to life on the big screen. This movie will fare so well that it will spark a rash of "me-too" movies, like "Asian Chauffeur", "Audited By The Jews" and "Women In Charge!"

Eagle Eye: I spy with my eagle eye, a movie that's half as entertaining as "The Net" and "Enemy of the State" combined!

Beverly Hills Chihuahua: This one may actually be good. Or, at least as good as the last Indiana Jones movie.

Monday Morning Movie Reviews (Wednesday Edition!): Pineapple Express

"Puts the 'Bud' back in Buddy Movie!" "A surefire 'hit'!" "Comedy lovers shouln't puff-puff-pass on this one!" "Don't forget to smoke weed before the movie!" B.

Monday Morning Movie Reviews: The Dark Knight

Everyone is raving about Heath Ledger's performance here, but did anyone else notice Christian Bale? His channeling of Rachel Ray for Batman's, "I've been gargling with whiskey and gravel for 3 straight hours" voice is surely worthy of an Oscar nod. Plus, I want to be the first person ever to put this sentence in to print, "Eric Roberts Film Grosses $155 Million Dollars!" A.

Monday Morning Movie Reviews (3 Day Weekend Bonus Edition!): Wanted

It's like "Fight Club" and "The Matrix" had a baby! Except They happen to be brother and sister. And she drinks through the whole pregnancy. Bonus points for having a guy get used as a human shield while his eye gets used as a gun turret, but it's still retarded. B-.

Monday Morning Movie Reviews: Hancock

Even Will Smith has to be shithouse drunk to make it through another one of his Fourth of July movies nowadays. C-.

Monday Morning Movie Reviews: Wall-E

As a morbidly obese, gelatinous blob of a person, who relies on a motorized chair to move me around while I surf the net all day, I was happy to see people like me get represented in movies. Maybe things are changing after all. A.

Monday Morning Movie Reviews: The Love Guru

This movie will make you long for the "old" Mike Myers. Before all the catch-phrases and cheap gimmick laughs, when he could get gut-busters out of the simple comedy of trying to cut Jamie Lee Curtis' head off. Those were the days. F.