Oooh Wah Ah Ah Ah Ah!

Imagine how hot a girl with no fewer than six(!) ICP stickers on her '86 Corolla is, and believe me when I tell you that this girl was 10x hotter. My day started THAT good.

Race Card.

I'm no marketing major, but if I was Asian,"Yellowman" would be the last name on the list for my company. It would be like if a white dude started the Cracker Barrel.

Ironman.

Ivan Stewart over here was killing me yesterday with his patriotic glory. If I was him, I'd pop on those Hellas, hit the NO2 and jump the medium. Bypass all these MF'ers in their "concrete only" cars.

God Is A DJ.

Here's a tip: Any one can be a DJ. An-knee-one. All you need is a decent music collection and the ability to read a crowd. What you don't need is the Boy George-Ambush-Windtunnel-Makeover flair and a complete inability to transition songs. iTunes even does that for you, so your only job is to stand there and look cool, which I may add, will be no cakewalk.

Itinerary.

If you can't see the message on the back of his shirt because of his flowing ponytail, it says, "We Came To Shred". But it's on the back of his shirt, so you'd only see that after, I assume, most of the shredding was taken care of. I guess logic isn't the number one attribute of Pantera fans.

Swear To God.

"You sell Vans? NO?! How the fuck can you be a skateboard shop and not sell Vans? I got a pair of Vans from back in the '80's. Still in the box. You know what you should put on a skateboard? "I'm The Hated." That shit'd sell. You give me a problem, I can fix it. I just can't see the problems before they happen. Like my truck, the goddamn bed had rusted through from all the salt, but I just riveted a piece of aluminum roofing to the side, fixed it right up. Hey, listen to this song, ung ung, yeah down with the sickness! What'd you think of that? Bet you'd never think you'd hear that blasting out of an old guys truck, huh? I tell ya, I probably know more about boards than anyone in that shop, but the old kind, ya know? I should get a new pair of Vans, I'm sick of wearing these n*gger shoes. Well, fuckin' take it easy."

Elapsed time: 45 seconds.


Boomp3.com

Off Season.

"Why the new kit? You see any UPS guys wearing brown on their day off, huh asshole?"

Cue Styx In 3...2...1...

Caption Contest.

I pride myself on finding some pithy one-liners to sum up the random photos that I take, but hard as I try with this one, I got nothing. Let me try. Ahem:
Disney's latest video game,"Tinkerbell's Fairy Princess Bloodbath: Hemorrhage Zone" was a hit among kids, but worried certain parental watchdog groups, who felt the shotgun controller posed a choking hazard.

See? Nothing.

Retirement Plan.

Sure, most of them wind up blowing themselves up after being trapped under a tree, or in a subway with Danny Glover. But every so often they retire in to a quiet existence, just playing pool in Encinitas.

Combo Plate.

Yeah, I'll take a large bowl of gimmicks with a side of nonsense, please. For those keeping score at home, that's 3 snakeboards and a razor scooter.

Fancy-Schmancy.

If This Is Rental Was A DeLorean, We'd Be In 1950.

Buick Le Sabre. Piloted by Nate.

Get Tied or Dye Trying.

"Now whether it be
Bestial oblivion, or some craven scruple
Of thinking too precisely on th' event—
A thought which, quarter'd, hath but one part wisdom
And ever three parts coward—I do not know
Why yet I live to say this thing's to do,
Sith I have cause, and will, and strength, and means
To do't."

"Sorry bro, all I asked was weather or not you wanted your fries Animal Style. Yes or no is fine."

Plane Sight.

Could also be titled, "Plot Matrix".

One, Please.

We're busy burning every tomato in the country right now, and these are being sold out in the open. No warning or anything.

Jaw Tighteners.

This was like seeing someone kick over a kid in a motorized wheelchair. The kind where he has to breathe to move it. You just want to scream, "Woah woah woah! What the FUCK are you doing?!" But you can't, because you're in line at the Post Office (the new DMV, BTW).


We're in a recession, gas is $5 a gallon, there's a war going on, the housing market is in the toilet, credit card debt is crippling people and Osama's still out there. But I got an airbrushed rodeo scene on my tailgate and multiple pieces of Dodge flair, so can it really be all that bad?

Beefcake.

From the book, "1000 Tattoos".

They May Not Have A Memorial...

But Casual Friday-Rave Pirate-Veterans have put their bowling satchels and shit colored waist-capes on the line for whatever country they come from, and I for one would like their sacrifice to not be unsung.

Moving On Up.

The problem with having a truck is that everyone is always asking you to help them move. All at once, apparently.